Living the Author Dream

This video tells you a few heartening things about writers:

1. Yes, you CAN become an author. Requirement: massive alphabetized bookshelves.
2. LOOK at these people. They are normal beings whose kids might not like their work, and dress up like Napoleonic pirates - not too different from you.
3. "Lazy Little Loafers" can give modern self-absorbed children the positive kick in the trousers they've always needed. Buy today! And then they'll turn around and write a nasty book about you as a parent 30 years later!
4. Always wanted to become your own best chemistry set? Find inspiration from "Guinea Pig Diaries".
5. Have delusions of grandeur? So does the author who wants to make William F. Buckley "look like an illiterate fool", along with Ammon Shea.
6. EVEN FAULKNER FANS CAN'T GET THROUGH TRISTAM SHANDY!!
7. Always harbored a Steinbeck-flavoured fantasy of becoming a chicken farmer? See how it's done here.

O Flower of Scotland!

.....so today I found out that a quite French word, "Caldercruix", is pronounced by the Scots as

"Call-der-crooks".

That fairly well sums up the British attitude toward the French, but the Scots have this particularly virulent form of Contrarianism that puts easygoing Americans to shame. (Contrarianism: Standing against anything commonly accepted, for fear of being labeled part of a crowd. Best test: whether a label for this Devil's Advocacy attitude bothers you.)

The Scots are not content to simply bash the English and their neighbors across the sea, they like to 'adopt, adapt and improve'.

• To show that they are not English, they install bagpipers in large cities and loudly sing nationalistic songs at football matches, not only on key but also with several pints apiece inside them. (We can sing better and louder than you can; do you even KNOW the words to "God Save the Queen"?!)
• To show that they are not Irish OR American, they loudly proclaim that their whiskey (a) was made first, (b) tastes better, and (c) was not used by American bootleggers. (Our rancid grain juice is miles better than yours.)
• To prove that they are not French, they hold to the Highland games and Highland dancing (Our men still look better in skirts than your women do), and mispronounce their words. (Michael McIntyre assigns this particular Contrarianism to the English, but the sense is the same:)
  

Summary Motto:

We will take your words
But you will never take
OUR FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...and for those who don't mind Scottish swearing, Robin Williams' summary of golf is brilliant.

10: "Gregeneezer and the Three Monsters" (England meets East Coast!)

American Film Trends

BEHOLD, the results of painstaking Netflix research!

• LOUD music shall herald thy emotions - fear, anger, desire, disgust, amusement at Tom Cruise doing an accent (or Keanu Reeves doing anything).
• Silence = enemy. Too much time to wonder why you're watching.
• Physical activity (ie, blood, guts, 'romance') means People Being Real - Heaven knows you can't trust what they SAY.
• British accents pinch-hit for anyone 'foreign', Russian accents for 'sinister', Italian accents for 'violent', and bad Southern accents for 'stupid'.
• Media reps are selfish deadline-driven hags with no Personal Space Quotient, unless investigating crime, or bringing a corporate demon to justice.
• RomComs' (Romantic Comedies) base begins with Overstressed Achiever Girl meets Underachieving Cool Bloke, slather on loathing of Bloke until he Speaks Truth, someone Lies, and Kissing+ makes it all better. Season with Precocious Kid or Comforting Mum.
• People in dire poverty have their own abode, car and cell phone. (Exception - historical pieces and "The Pursuit of Happyness".)
• Magic helps those in need. There will ALWAYS be a bunker with guns and ammo handy for revenge, or a tool/gun/glass shard available as you scrabble around in a deserted place, especially if your attacker has superior weapons in hand. He will wait til you stab him.
• Mean People will be killed, unless there are extenuating circumstances - ie, your girlfriend was nabbed by terrorists so you have to 'confiscate' someone's ride without time to explain. (If you apologize as you confiscate, they will know it's a Good Cause Theft.)
• Herald Seduction Techniques with the woman in red, lest the man become confused -
  "Is she here for conversation? Or business?".
• Large muscles turn on women. Large boobs turn on men. Don't get them confused, thinking that Large Butts are the new wave.
• If you are attacked by a group, they will politely spring at you one by one. Their subconcious knows that they are merely Stick Figures of Defeat; YOU are Steven Seagal.
• If all lights are off, the Universe emits an eerie blue glow to help out the cameramen.
• Trees are great for asking advice, lakes for man-eating critters, wildlife are cute and humans are Large Consumption Machines of Doom for the persecuted planet.
• Every belief has beauty, and it helps everyone who just needs to follow their heart by standing in a group and applauding their efforts at truth, unless it's the sort of truth that requires change. Then it's OK to expose their hypocrisy of standing against YOUR truth.
• Love means hugs and patience and suffering if you're a parent or grandparent. Love means saying hard truths if you're a child. Love means bedding someone when you 'come of age'.

Add your own observations below!

Cheezburger Kitteh Poetry

Ah trahd to wirte pomes
Bout dargons n sech
But all ah could think of
Wuz kittehs to ketch

...Cuz they iz all heer
Fuzzy an purren'
En dargons iz messeh
With virginz en lurin'
Them off to cavez
Thout sayin' a wurd
To they mammies en pappies
En cute leetel burdz.

So ah leeve it 'lone
That wirtin' of pomes
To others whoz hankrin'
To put zem en tomes.

More Bad Poetry!

Snifty, snufty,
Small and tufty,
That's what Rizzos are to me.

Here a little,
There a little,
Rizzos give me gobbets of glee.

Get it,
Got it,
Rizzos are the way to be!

I challenge anyone to come up with worse poetry in honour of their friends. :)

-Pin

Procrastination and the Donald Miller "Living a Better Story" seminar

The life I HAVE lived is a lot like the first half of this berry-picking episode. More on my future life below.

At first glance, berry-picking seems simple – buy plastic yellow buckets, drive a few miles, grab the fruit, fun in the sun. So the great day arrives, and your Special Person shows up for a great gab in the car and a Starbucks run. Adventure! Excitement! Finally getting out of the city and doing something REAL, akin to the pioneers of old or the Mayflower crossers. It’s a perfect day and there’s no scurvy in sight, so it’s like having all the best of the pioneer experience without that annoying possibility of death.

Humming a little tune, you traipse along the creek toward berry bushes, expecting hordes of fruit to leap into your bucket until you hit the Garrulous Hiking Native. “Yeah, I found a lot of berries,” he says, shifting from one leather-booted foot to another, “but those are at least 2 miles away”. Thanks to Mr. Negativity, a small voice at the back of your skull asks if this ‘berry episode’ is just a pipe dream. After 30 minutes of peering and scuffling around after those selfish berries, hiding under the leaves, you get the hang of avoiding the thorns and over the guilt of vine destruction. Crashing and sweating and swearing, your bucket is 1/4^th full and you’ve nearly tipped it over twice.

NOW there’s a problem. RATTLESNAKE! The Special Person who you love and adored 2 hours ago lets out a yell that scares all the remaining berries off the vine and runs down the hill. You soothe the S.P. as best you can, but they haven’t died and you don’t see why they’ve wasted 30 minutes shaking like a leaf. Realizing your callousness, you apologize. All is well until you both try to cross the stream and it takes the S.P. twice as long. It’s just WATER, you think, really annoyed now. If I PUSHED you in, would that release you from fear?! You sternly tell off your horned worst half and help your S.P. out of the stream.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The second half of the Great Berry Adventure is more like the life I want to live! After stowing the litter of sandwiches in our cooler and our sleepy selves under a tree for a nap, we found the Mother lode of all berry patches and had more than enough to fill all our containers to the brim. We drove home, rejoicing in our spoils of war and more in love than ever.

This year, I quit my day job and am using all of my past five years of temporary failure and setbacks to push me on toward success in advertising and distribution. If I succeed in THAT, the income stream and time off will help me accomplish The Dream – writing and publishing fiction in a 5-bedroom house for 6 months out of every year on the Isle of Skye (north of Scotland); fiction has given me such joy that I'd like to help others rediscover the joy of life and struggle through my work. The house will be used as a retreat home for friends during the remaining 6 months, a peaceful haven away from technology and schedules. The library will be filled with ancient cracked leather books, and the titles will gleam in gold letters as a reflection of the fire on the flagstone hearth. Deep leather chairs will stand on the Irish rugs, coffee will bubble in the corner and an oak liquor cabinet will quietly grace the corner farthest from the fire. Of course there will be a false bookcase door that will lead to a capacious cellar and underground storage area, with a small tunnel that leads to the greenhouse. You never know when the dragoons will be after you, and it’s best to have an escape plan. Beside the greenhouse will be the horses’ stable, complete with barn cat and its tiny prey. A flagstone path will lead you back to the fresh-bread scented kitchen, with a large round scrubbed wooden table in the middle and white flimsy curtains whipping in the breeze. As you scrub the dishes, you’ll see the sea turning from blue to black, and the hills will turn from green to black and back, with white gulls tossing and screaming at the dark sky.

I hope that this seminar will help me crystallize this vision by being in an atmosphere of beauty, learning from someone who is in the process of living his own vision, and helping lead others to light their own vision flame. (To sign up for the conference on September 26 & 27, go to http://donmilleris.com/conference/)

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.