Friday, November 19, 2010

American Film Trends

BEHOLD, the results of painstaking Netflix research!

  • LOUD music shall herald thy emotions - fear, anger, desire, disgust, amusement at Tom Cruise doing an accent (or Keanu Reeves doing anything).
  • Silence = enemy. Too much time to wonder why you're watching.
  • Physical activity (ie, blood, guts, 'romance') means People Being Real - Heaven knows you can't trust what they SAY.
  • British accents pinch-hit for anyone 'foreign', Russian accents for 'sinister', Italian accents for 'violent', and bad Southern accents for 'stupid'.
  • Media reps are selfish deadline-driven hags with no Personal Space Quotient, unless investigating crime, or bringing a corporate demon to justice.
  • RomComs' (Romantic Comedies) base begins with Overstressed Achiever Girl meets Underachieving Cool Bloke, slather on loathing of Bloke until he Speaks Truth, someone Lies, and Kissing+ makes it all better. Season with Precocious Kid or Comforting Mum.
  • People in dire poverty have their own abode, car and cell phone. (Exception - historical pieces and "The Pursuit of Happyness".)
  • Magic helps those in need. There will ALWAYS be a bunker with guns and ammo handy for revenge, or a tool/gun/glass shard available as you scrabble around in a deserted place, especially if your attacker has superior weapons in hand. He will wait til you stab him.
  • Mean People will be killed, unless there are extenuating circumstances - ie, your girlfriend was nabbed by terrorists so you have to 'confiscate' someone's ride without time to explain. (If you apologize as you confiscate, they will know it's a Good Cause Theft.)
  • Herald Seduction Techniques with the woman in red, lest the man become confused -
    "Is she here for conversation? Or business?".
  • Large muscles turn on women. Large boobs turn on men. Don't get them confused, thinking that Large Butts are the new wave.
  • If you are attacked by a group, they will politely spring at you one by one. Their subconcious knows that they are merely Stick Figures of Defeat; YOU are Steven Seagal.
  • If all lights are off, the Universe emits an eerie blue glow to help out the cameramen.
  • Trees are great for asking advice, lakes for man-eating critters, wildlife are cute and humans are Large Consumption Machines of Doom for the persecuted planet.
  • Every belief has beauty, and it helps everyone who just needs to follow their heart by standing in a group and applauding their efforts at truth, unless it's the sort of truth that requires change. Then it's OK to expose their hypocrisy of standing against YOUR truth.
  • Love means hugs and patience and suffering if you're a parent or grandparent. Love means saying hard truths if you're a child. Love means bedding someone when you 'come of age'.

Add your own observations below!

1 comment:

  1. I read your excellent and well-constructed descriptions thinking -OMG! Does this mean I, too, have been seduced by the "dark side?" I also realize I'm way behind on my blog-reading and this blog will be instrumental in helping me polish my own satire-writing skills. Thank you very much for the info and the inspiration. How I will ever be able to tolerate another Hollywood film now is beyond me. Maybe I'll stick with French cinema. I wonder what Netflix has to say about that?